In a move that stunned many of the country’s fans, Britain today issued a formal statement saying it was coming out as openly racist.
Giving his reaction to the UK’s ‘outing’, President Obama simply said: ‘Shit.’
Janet Clough, a Briton from Cheshire, said: ‘I’ve always suspected that I might have racist feelings, but I guess I’ve just been lying to myself and everyone else, especially that nice Muslim family across the road.’
‘At least we can finally be honest about being big fat racist shits, every one of us: even the immigrants. Have you seen how racist some of them are? It‘s probably racist to say that, but I don’t give a damn any more, we’re ignorant bigots and proud. Now get out and go back to where you came from.’
Michael Welch, a soft shoe peddler from Woking, said: ‘This is going to be difficult for a lot of folks to adjust to, but I’ve enough basic mistrust in people to think, fuck ‘em. I’m off out to buy a flag and get a bloody big dog. A bulldog. I don’t even like dogs.’
Doubts about Britain’s tolerance began circulating on the Internet some time ago. While never actually denying the claims, the UK did lay the blame for what it called ‘malicious gossip’ at the feet of the people of Europe.
Yet questions still remain about quite how racist everyone is, or indeed should be. During Prime Minister’s Questions, David Cameron said that Britain was making massively encouraging progress in being racist, and to protests from his own benches said this might even pave the way for a political marriage with Germany.
Opposition leader Ed Miliband took a more cautious stance saying that while it was ‘right’ for Britain to be proud of its close-minded parochialism, there was still a need to remember the handful of great things other races had given us. He went on to cite The Killing, Biryani and Aldi.
Parliamentary candidate and self-styled ‘people’s twat’, Nigel Saint-Michel told Radio 4: ‘Nobody asks to be racist, but many of us have known from an early age that we were different. When we were a tiny minority we knew we spoke for the majority, and now that it turns out we are the majority we will continue to speak for the majority; while picking on what remains of the minorities, and when we’ve got rid of the minorities we can turn our attention to who we don’t like from the majority till eventually our minority is the majority of the majority and the minority of the majority won’t exist at all. I’m thinking here specifically of the Welsh.’
As a result of today’s announcement, foreigners coming into the UK will now be expected to pass a standard racism test, which will involve spending two months playing Premiership football.
‘We mustn’t forget that what made the Britain Empire great was never having to be dependent on other cultures,’ added Mr Saint-Michel, ‘and I wouldn’t swap that for all the tea in China.’